Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
