Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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