There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
