My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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