You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
