one might say we're banned from that church
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
