If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
