My nipple is on Facebook.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
