I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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