So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
