The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
