Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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