don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
