Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
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Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said