Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
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No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
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I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.