I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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