I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
