The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
