as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
