lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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