Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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