i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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