phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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