By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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