Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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