There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
