This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize