Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
