then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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