The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
