I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
