I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
