so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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