That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
