somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
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