So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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