Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
