Having a random hookup so left but love u
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
