my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
