Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
