i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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