you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
