Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
