Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
