Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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