Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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