cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
