I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
