i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
