is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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