Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
