You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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