Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
