Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
