Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
