My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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