Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I intend to get homeless drunk
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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