at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
