I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
