my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
