He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
