ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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